I feel like I plan so much. I like to know where I’m going and at what time. I like to know when things have to be done and how. People sometimes call me the Boff or the SWOT at Uni, because I tend to start my assignments early. Who doesn’t want to do well right? okay that sounded a little nerdish I also plan ahead because I never want to be one of those deadline day types of people (within reason) so I like to be organised. BUT then there are times that i am completely reckless and live on the wild side…
Reckless – heedless of danger or the consequences of ones actions…
Perhaps its something to do with my zodiac sign? which is cancer. I can plan so much, but sometimes I do things that even I’m like woahhh. This is when I know i’m at my most happiest. Because i’m not planning my diet, or my next workout, or when I have to go to work next or when i should be finishing assignments i just go and do something that actually makes me feel alive!
The other weekend my sister and one of our friends mentioned about going to a festival, the next day we booked it haha. I was at work I just transferred the £200 a now i’m going to a 5 day festival?!
Yesterday I had the most awful day at work. I still exercised, but then ate a takeaway and drank wine? It was a Tuesday night and this morning i had a presentation?
This one is a little less impulsive if you call 3 days less impulsive, but more reckless. So work has been treating me so bad recently that I was actually adding up yesterday if i could afford to quit my job yet or if i would have to wait a little longer until after Uni finished. However, my mum was like “oh just have Thursday off” as the planner and good person I am I haven’t had one day off work in the 6 and 1/2 months that i have been there (not that I’m counting or anything). My response was; “no, i’m not going to have Thursday off because I think i’m going to bunk Saturday” haha.
These little decisions or plans are the things that make me feel the most alive and happy, because they are moments right now. Although its good to plan ahead! I have so many exciting things happenings this summer it’s also important not to wish life away, by doing the little impulsive things that get us through the day a little easier…
We are constantly putting ourselves and others on a pedestal. We scale ourselves against each other in order to see who performs better whether this be in life, in competition or in the way we look. I am no stranger to this scale. In order to lose weight and get fit I put myself on a scale everyday through weighting myself, through counting the calories I eat, through looking at fitness pictures and being envious of people’s bodies.
However, some would argue this is the society we live in today. Although I would like to think I don’t judge others I am no stranger to comparing myself. I have recently learnt that not everything can be measured! I took photos at the start of this year to compare my weight loss and recently took them again. I had lost weight significantly which the scale didn’t actually reflect. Don’t get me wrong the scale going down is a very satisfying feeling for myself, but I know now I’m more than just a scale.
I read this quote the other day about the cost of ambition. It couldn’t be truer, but how do we measure ambitions success? Usually by a number on a scale from where we are to where we want to be. Personally I think we should measure it by our performance on our way to success, because determination to get to the place we want to be is more satisfying on reflection than the number we get as a result.
Although hitting the 1 stone number this week was a very happy feeling, even my Fitbit informed me I had lost 6kg so maybe happiness can be measured in numbers sometimes…
Fear. It is the invisible object telling us we can’t do something. It’s the thing that pushes us back every time we think about moving forward. It’s the voice inside us that will forever be our darkest demons.
“Keep your eyes on the stars. And your feet on the ground” – Theodore Roosevelt
This year I have started to conquer my demons in my first two years of University I thought going out and getting drunk because I was young was fun. However, the next day after gaining trillions in weight and feeling emotional and tired with a major hangover I promised myself that would be the last time. This time last year after promising i wouldn’t quit University, i pushed through my fears and decided to finish out the year away from home. I then came up with a plan rather than doing what i was ‘supposed to do’ which was; find a placement year job, then spend another year away from home next year which is everyone expectation of me. I pushed through…
I admitted to myself which was the hardest thing I wasn’t happy and was done getting drunk every weekend just to drown my sorrows in unhappiness. I found a University at home, found a part-time job at a coffee shop (not the best job) but it will do whilst I finish out University. The ironic things is i don’t even like coffee, but i can make your flat white, latte or an Americano a million times a day haha.
Now my life is so different and never how I planned. I am in my final semester ever of University, I’m getting good grades, i’m happy… I always felt the mellow sadness i felt last year was just how life is meant to be? For every person that ever feels that way trust me it isn’t!
I’m also getting rid of the weight, going to the gym regularly this year I’m already 8 pounds down (WOOOO!). Don’t get me wrong going out and getting drunk with my friends is still fun, but I don’t do it because i should do anymore i do it because i want too.
After this semester I plan to spend my summer travelling and then who knows… But it doesn’t scare me anymore because life is too short to let fear rule us.
We can wish for something to happen, we can strive for success, but what happens when you have done everything possible to do your best… Hope
Being an optimist is something I struggle with. However, I always put 110% into everything even if I do struggle I work hard. When something doesn’t pay off I question could I have done more, but in the back of my mind I know even if I hated every second of it I would have done my best. Today I received my University results back and it turns out I have done really well. I was shocked partly because I was sitting at work and wasn’t mentally prepared to receive them and partly because I didn’t expect to do so well. But then I thought I’ve been hoping for the last month I would do well even though I couldn’t change the outcome.
I feel like I have high expectations for myself, sometimes to high. Failure isn’t an option in my eyes. I am also very stubborn so that doesn’t help. However when you hope and plead that you don’t fail and then you succeed it is something to be proud of. We should all be proud of the little thing a bit more because in reality they are the big things we often forget about.
Recently I’ve realised I was settling. Settling in life, settling with friends, settling with my future. After going through a rough patch I got back to what i felt was my ‘normal’ stage which on reflection wasn’t really normal it was just what I was used to. The only way i can describe it is when someone ask’s you “are you alright or how are you today?” my response was always “I’m okay”. I think i was so used to going through rough patches that when i had hit my ‘normal’ stage i would always say I’m okay. WELL in the last month I have discovered something…
LIFE SHOULD BE MORE THAN OKAY. At the moment i have a lost of positives, i had a temporary summer job, i now have a job for when I’m back at Uni. I am starting a new Uni soon and already starting my dissertation to be prepared for my final year. Side note: any tips on dissertations greatly appreciated it took my 3 hours to decide the aim of my dissertation (SEND HELP). For once i feel like i have something to say about my life when people ask me how i’m doing? or what have I been up to? Before i used to say “oh you know not much” i actually dreaded someone asking me what had I been up to for the fear that i would have to hold a conversation about nothing. Partly because i was unhappy with my life and who wants to talk about their life when they are unhappy?
Right now i would say things are positive I am so much happier! I really do wish i could put this feeling in a bottle and give it to someone who needs it. For the last year i didn’t know what being happy was. When i think about my life only a few things have changed, but these few things have changed me so much that I’m actually enjoying where i am right now. For once i’m making plans, plans about my future, i’m finally gonna save up and have the guts to go travelling after I finish university and then who knows, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve realised it doesn’t matter what i do as long as i’m happy which i can honestly say I am.
Today’s quote of the day;
Today’s lyrics of the day;
“And I’ll rise up, High like the waves I’ll rise up in spite of the ache, I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousands times again” ~ Andra Day – Rise Up
I feel like I always start with “recently…” Usually because some drama occurred. This time it’s different. Things are semi-positive for once after having my major breakdown. I’ve found a job which is going alright, uni is sorted for next year and my life in general is a bit more positive. This is where I usually wait for the fall I expect something bad to happen because things are going so well. I’ve decided this time I’m no longer waiting for the fall. Things always go wrong in life, not everything will go my way it would be nice if it did sometimes! But I guess my life was made for the chaos.
I think no longer waiting for the full is a reflection on me changing. Accepting the good and the bad and just trying my best. Failure isn’t the end it’s a stepping stone. I’ll probably never be perfect and constantly awkward which means that embarrassing things will always occur (let today be no exception). However, it’s trying to embrace the embarassement or things that I would consider a failure and looking at them in a new way! Otherwise I know my social awkwardness will never improve and I’ll probably fall back into the sadness stage that I feel like I’ve been in for so long that I no longer want to go back to ever!
Today’s quote of the day;
I’ve realised just because things are going well you shouldn’t let people back in your life you can forgive, but don’t make a decision when your happy with life because not everyone was around for the fall.
Today’s lyrics of the day;
‘Cause we all get lost sometimes, you know? It’s how we learn and how we grow’ – Major Lazer ~ Cold Water
I have always lived my life worrying, worrying what will happen if I do/don’t do something, worrying if I made different choices I wouldn’t be in the position I am. Worrying about worrying.
Until recently when I had a major breakdown I realised I couldn’t even be happy about the prospect of a job because in my eyes the likely hood of actually getting it won’t pay off. It’s crazy to think this your whole life can be lived with fear and every action you take is calculated to ensure something may/may not happen.
I realised even if you predetermine every step and every choice you make nothing’s going to go to plan because when does life ever? But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m not a religious person, but I like to think God has a plan and I’m exactly where I should be right now.
So I vow to stop worrying about things that could happen and just go with it. Just enjoy life, I spend so much worrying that it’s time to start living.
Today’s quote of the day;
So I decided to change-up my blog rather than have one positive. Life should just be a positive and one thing I loveeeee is music, discovering new artists and just everything about music in general so I decided to choose my fav song lyrics on this particular day instead. Today’s lyrics of the day;
“I’m a comeback kid. Don’t know why bad things happened, but they did. I don’t think I deserve the hurt I get, but I’m made for it. It’s not the end” ~ The Band Perry – Comeback Kid