Flicking The Switch

This week I’ve found a new sense of positivity. In life, in my education and in fitness. It’s almost like I’ve flicked the switch. I get so worried about the future that I forget to live in the present. We are all desperate for more, but what if this is it. You are in control of your own life if this is it then you have to go and fight for better. Rather than complain, I know no one else is gonna change my life for me so I better start.

This week I’m back to healthy eating I finally wore my new trainers to the gym (it’s the little things) and have started eating better. Along with drinking my green tea (strong advocate go try!) Small changes will eventually amount to big  differences with time and patience. I figure if I spend all my time complaining why not spend my time changing ? 

Anyone else started to change this week? 

Today’s quote of the day;

I feel like I’ve moved on from this and ready to handle what life throws at me!


It’s Okay Just To Be Okay

So I actually started a blog post about how I’ve been feeling like I’m never good enough and nothing good is going to happen. I even put the words I’m not crazy or anything (I think I was trying to convince myself). I let myself be negative for a good 2 hours. Being home alone a lot recently whilst trying to find a job for the summer has made me feel even more depressed. But then I decided not too post it…

I think just saying how I feel even to myself has made me realise that it’s okay not to be okay with where my life is right now. It’s also okay not to have everything figured out. Although I receive criticism for my failures, aswell as my choices to cut people out of my life who have betrayed me. It’s okay to have nothing, but myself right now. As long as it’s for right now and not forever.

Tonight I’m seeing my Dad who usually has something to criticise about all my failings in life, which ends up leaving a very awkward silence with 5 of us sitting round a table (you can imagine).

Tomorrow I’ll figure out my next step. I know I’m not happy I thought moving back home to finish uni would answer all my problems (apparently not), but that’s okay because I’m not living life for anyone else, but me. As long as I find the right path for me right now it’s okay just to be okay. 

Today’s quote of the day;

Today’s positive of the day;

Acknowledging the fact I am really unhappy and making a plan to change it.

Always Being The Unlucky One

Sometimes I do feel like I’m very unlucky. I’m aware that this is selfish and that some people are in completely worse positions than me, but just sometimes I wish life would give me a break. When I ask my mum why am I so unlucky. She’s says “God only gives you what you can handle”. This might be true, but as a human sometimes it can completely break you. And then having to build yourself up again is the hardest thing.

So today we went to the Garden Centre to eat cake (its good cake) whilst we were there someone had left something they had bought in the public loo’s. My mum made the joke shall we have that (it was some type of plant pot thing) we would not use. My instant response was no (of course she was joking), but straight away I said no we might get bad karma someone could come back for it. We don’t need to tempt fate. So I was being a good person. Although I’m struggling to believe in karma I try to avoid doing things that could come back to bite me ironic huh?

So now a few hours later I’m sitting on the train listening to an old woman tell her friend about the 12 step cardio exercise she does wtf? I will tell you my experience 2 hours or so after my good karma believing…

On my first train back to uni at 5 (joy) I managed to get an earlier train that went my usual  route to the station rather than the route the national rail tried to make me go on. So I thought oh great that’s really handy! (wait for it) So on my route to the station there is a tattoo shop that has this amazing art work just on the wall by the train tracks. It always makes me feel close to home whenever I’m on my way back today I managed to get a picture of it.

I admit not my best shot the train was moving very quick!

So I get to Liverpool Street station and like the moody person I am I always have my music on. I get to the usual underground section and find out there is no central line running what?!! How am I meant to get to the station to get my last train back to Uni?

Then I’m like shit, I knew I should have waited 5 minutes later for the other train, but I just thought I was lucky for once in my life. I then follow the directions to go back on myself end up leaving out of the exit not going to the other platform which was very awkward as their was a homeless person right near who watched me do the whole thing. I faked being on my phone haha because I’m crazy and casually walked back down the stairs that I had just walked back up.

So I get to the station there’s 1 minute until the train starts moving so I do a weird jog/fast walk and sit and google how long it takes to get to the station I’m meant to get the tube from luckily only 8 mins.

I then get the  tube that takes me to the correct station to get back to uni. This tube also has 1 minute until it is leaving and is incredibly busy so I do my weird jog/walk again. I stand for 10 minutes not able to move like a sardine and I’m not joking the level of body odour I could smell was not okay. This girl sitting down near me had her hand over her nose. Standing up I didn’t really have this option.

So I finally make it to the train station to get on my train with 20 minutes to spare. Being an organised person and someone who likes an adrenaline rush at the same time this experience was both exhilarating and a bloody nightmare.

However, the burning question I have to ask again why is it always me? Even the little things. I don’t really want to be getting a train back to uni I want to be at home. Unfortunately I have an exam meaning I have to go back. So surely I deserve some good karma and for my train journey to run smoothly no?

Today’s quote of the day;

Photo credit – Instagram – typograpic

Today’s positive of the day;

Although I’m struggling to find a silver lining to this whole experience I am nearly finished with uni woo!

I Now Know What 3am Feels Like 

People say that 3am is for the drunk and lonely. Last night in some respects I was probably both. More sad than lonely and more tipsy than drunk. At midnight I decided to pack my bag to go home after hating uni for another day. I promised myself I would decide in the morning yet packed my bag anyway.

At 3am wide awake where I could hear the cars flashing past turned into 4:30am where I heard people coming back from their alcohol infused nights out which then turned to 5:30am still tossing and turning I just thought fuck this I can’t sleep I wanna go home. So I finished packing – (god knows what I put in my bag still on the train at 9:05 I’m thinking I should have packed better). So their I was at 5:45 am leaving the house preparing to walk to the station as why the hell would their be a bus at that time. Ironically their was?! And the bus driver waited for me. So with my hood up looking like a criminal I got on the bus which was surprisingly full yet no one gave any eye contact. I guess everyone was thinking the same question what the bloody hell are you doing on the bus at this time?! 

So I get to the station which is no mans land. I get on the train and for the first 45 mins I think about life, reflect on my decisions and get some perspective. Trains help me do that so by the time it was half 7 I was texting my sister I slowly slipped into the conversation I’m on the train home. Ironically my sister wanted to text me yesterday to say come home we are having a bbq but my mum wouldn’t let her as she wants it to be my decision. Maybe it’s because we are sisters or because she is basically my best friend we both had the same thought and the stars aligned. So here I am on the last train home at 9:10am. I know I’m bloody mad, but I think it’s the adrenaline rush more than anything. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you and forget what others think it’s your life at the end of the day.

Today’s quote of the day;

For me I know the hard times will end in less than a month but it doesn’t make it easier grinning and baring it.

Today’s positive of the day; 

I’m going home woo! I don’t have to be at uni and we are having a bbq where I can attempt to darken my already pink forehead and nose.