I always hate the feeling of being trapped it’s like being stuck somewhere you don’t belong. Home was always the saviour whenever I hated uni I knew I could always come home. Whenever I went to my dad’s house on the weekend and hated sitting their knowing I was always a second class citizen I knew I only had to wait till 4pm Sunday evening to come home. However, what happens when you’re finally content with life and home isn’t where you want to be…
This summer I’ve seen so much and although I’ve had a desire to travel I’ve always been hesitant because of uni experiences and life in general I never thought I could do it.
But now things are different…
I hate being stuck at home I’m counting down the days till I’m in Italy. I’ve come up with a plan so that I can travel and see more of the world after I’ve come back from Italy. Things take time, but for once I’ve got a plan. And although it pains me to say it although I do love home. Me, my sister and my mum are literally the three musketeers we are so close and I’m so grateful for that. This in no way is meant to sound ungrateful, but I finally understand the meaning of flying the nest.
I’m ready to move on. Ready to see the world. I’ve never had such a burning desire to get out of this town where everything’s been the same for a very long time. Most people here seem to be stuck with no desire to move on.
Today I watched ‘Everything Everything’ it’s a good film I would deffo recommend. It’s basically about this girl who is trapped in her house due to having a severe illness. I won’t ruin the ending, but let’s just say being stuck in her house is kind of how I feel right now.
When I was sitting on the beach in Greece or travelling on a boat I never felt so free. Now that this is my reality being stuck at home part of me feels like I’m waiting for the next adventure when surely life should just be one big adventure?
It’s okay to have those ‘bad’ days. This weekend I didn’t have work, therefore I ate the entire fridge haha (joking…kinda). I didn’t exercise, I didn’t do any Uni work I spent Saturday and Sunday with family and friends. Drunk alcohol for three days straight and ate the same amount of chocolate as the weight of a small child.
I realised though, it’s okay. People say balance is a good thing. For me I was always adverse to balance due to the fact I’m either all in or all out. There is no in between for me.
As a result today I have woke up hungry (still didn’t eat) went to Uni, now at lunch I ate a small cheese and some cashew nuts. I get that people say oh you should eat normally even after you have had a binge. My mental attitude is not a supporter of this knowing full well I deserve not to eat. Almost 4 months into this diet ‘lifestyle’ I know I ate the food I’m now living with the consequences. The ironic thing is that last week I ate even less than that before I exercised and then ate normally and was fine. Due to my body consuming so much food at the weekend I’ve now had the opposite effect.
Was it worth it? Hell yeah Well some would argue no, today I argue no. Tomorrow when I’m back to more suitable eating I’ll probably say yes. I would never think my body could get use to so much good nutrition that having two days bad would actually leave me so bloated and heavily impacted by these changes.
In hindsight I should have ate a lot less, but isn’t that why hindsight’s a beautiful thing? Anyway tomorrow is a new day, today I am back to exercising and dieting and slowly starving and healthy living.
Hope everyone has a good Monday! One positive is I am 27 days into lent and still haven’t drunk any fizzy drinks, question though is drinking wine just as bad at this point haha…
Recently I’ve realised I was settling. Settling in life, settling with friends, settling with my future. After going through a rough patch I got back to what i felt was my ‘normal’ stage which on reflection wasn’t really normal it was just what I was used to. The only way i can describe it is when someone ask’s you “are you alright or how are you today?” my response was always “I’m okay”. I think i was so used to going through rough patches that when i had hit my ‘normal’ stage i would always say I’m okay. WELL in the last month I have discovered something…
LIFE SHOULD BE MORE THAN OKAY. At the moment i have a lost of positives, i had a temporary summer job, i now have a job for when I’m back at Uni. I am starting a new Uni soon and already starting my dissertation to be prepared for my final year. Side note: any tips on dissertations greatly appreciated it took my 3 hours to decide the aim of my dissertation (SEND HELP). For once i feel like i have something to say about my life when people ask me how i’m doing? or what have I been up to? Before i used to say “oh you know not much” i actually dreaded someone asking me what had I been up to for the fear that i would have to hold a conversation about nothing. Partly because i was unhappy with my life and who wants to talk about their life when they are unhappy?
Right now i would say things are positive I am so much happier! I really do wish i could put this feeling in a bottle and give it to someone who needs it. For the last year i didn’t know what being happy was. When i think about my life only a few things have changed, but these few things have changed me so much that I’m actually enjoying where i am right now. For once i’m making plans, plans about my future, i’m finally gonna save up and have the guts to go travelling after I finish university and then who knows, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve realised it doesn’t matter what i do as long as i’m happy which i can honestly say I am.
Today’s quote of the day;
Today’s lyrics of the day;
“And I’ll rise up, High like the waves I’ll rise up in spite of the ache, I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousands times again” ~ Andra Day – Rise Up
I have always lived my life worrying, worrying what will happen if I do/don’t do something, worrying if I made different choices I wouldn’t be in the position I am. Worrying about worrying.
Until recently when I had a major breakdown I realised I couldn’t even be happy about the prospect of a job because in my eyes the likely hood of actually getting it won’t pay off. It’s crazy to think this your whole life can be lived with fear and every action you take is calculated to ensure something may/may not happen.
I realised even if you predetermine every step and every choice you make nothing’s going to go to plan because when does life ever? But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m not a religious person, but I like to think God has a plan and I’m exactly where I should be right now.
So I vow to stop worrying about things that could happen and just go with it. Just enjoy life, I spend so much worrying that it’s time to start living.
Today’s quote of the day;
So I decided to change-up my blog rather than have one positive. Life should just be a positive and one thing I loveeeee is music, discovering new artists and just everything about music in general so I decided to choose my fav song lyrics on this particular day instead. Today’s lyrics of the day;
“I’m a comeback kid. Don’t know why bad things happened, but they did. I don’t think I deserve the hurt I get, but I’m made for it. It’s not the end” ~ The Band Perry – Comeback Kid
We can all spend too much time drifting through life waiting for the next job or waiting to go back to Education. I feel like I’ve been doing it for the last 2 years. Living in the comfort zone, but is it really that comfortable?
I’m not someone who likes to be bold and brave. Once you know me I will be my loud and proud self, but only a few people really know me. Instead I spend most of my time sitting and waiting. This time last year I spent my 3 months of summer doing basically nothing I ended up gaining a stone which was not cool.
This year, this month, even this day I’ve decided its time to change...
I’ve been living life in the comfort zone for so long I forgot what it’s like to do something brave and adventurous! Isn’t that what life’s about at the end of the day? In the last week I’ve stopped worrying about the comfort zone and decided to take a leap of faith. Life never went my way in the comfort zone any way so what have I got to lose? Sooooo here was my week. To some people these may seem like little things, to me they are proving to myself that i can find myself again and truly be happy.
So i got my car last week after not driving for 2 years since I passed my test i got in the car and drove! i have a Fitbit and its safe to say my heart rate has been in the fat burning zone every time i get in the car! But i haven’t crashed yet (touch wood) and the thought of driving alone was the most intimidating thing ever. However, i am doing it! I can’t park for shit, but I’ve got the whole driving thing down to a T in a week.
I went to a job agency on Monday… I now have temp work tomorrow as well as a job interview for full-time work before I go back to Uni. I am the most anxious person so when it comes to things like speaking to people i don’t know i clam up. This time its different. I’m ready, i just want to get the job. I feel more confident now than i have in a long time and honestly believe i can do this! Side note; I have been doing the odd jobs around the house a little good karma can help can’t it 😉 Any advice for someone who hasn’t been to a job interview in a good few years would be greatly appreciated!
Exercise – I make out that i hate it, but since getting my Fitbit i cant lie i have been secretly a little obsessed. In doing so it actually makes me feel better and has counter acted my nerves for 1 and 2 slightly…
This whole week has been an eye opener for me. I feel better in myself and honestly feel I can do so much more. Whether I get the job or I don’t I know I tried and that’s all anyone can do.
Today’s quote of the day;
Today’s positive of the day;
I didn’t stall my car for the first time today! Things are looking up eh?!
Last week I felt so negative about where I was at in my life, partly because I was doing the same thing every single day and although I was looking for a job i didn’t have much hope in finding one. I thought great is this it, is this the feeling I am going to have for the next 3 months? I discovered in that moment that the future doesn’t hold anyone’s happiness it’s about right now. So this post is for me and anyone else to read when life isn’t going the way we hope think about the good moments that have already occurred. For me it occurred straight after that moment which I’m not sure if it was luck or just fate.
So after feeling negative and finally admitting to myself how I had been feeling all these things occurred straight after;
I received a phone call offering me an interview for work finally! I then went to my Dad’s house that night to celebrate my birthday and found out he bought me a car. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I then drove my car home which is about 25 minutes away after not driving since I past my test 2 years ago. To say I was shitting it was an understatement haha can you imagine. I can confirm I did survive and did not crash.
Now this week I feel I can take on new heights, do new things, be whatever i want. I know people always say it, but I genuinely wish i could bottle up this feeling so that my future self no matter how bad things are there is always hope. I know I’m not a confident person and dread the thought of being out of my comfort zone.
However, this week I feel like a completely different person after the good things that have happened to me. I feel more determined than ever in life and I just know that what ever happens in life good or bad I’ll survive.
Today’s quote of the day;
Today’s positive of the day;
Hopeful finding a summer job soon and finally getting off my bum and doing something!
So next week I turn 20! I will no longer be a teenager its crazy! I feel like I could just be starting School for the first time rather than looking for job’s and heading into my final year of University. I feel like ive always been mature (except with a drink in my hand), and i’ve learnt so much about myself. Particularly in the last few years i think ive had to face a lot and overcome so much. Sometimes I did honestly think it was the end of the world whenever I face a failure or things didn’t go the way I wanted them too. Looking back now i realise that all these things make me who i am. Would I be the same person if i quit uni 7 months ago? Would I be happy with where I am now when I decided to go to University 2 years ago. I don’t think i ever realised how my life would turn out, but im finally okay with that. I’ve realised you can plan all you want, but no matter what life is always going to have other plans.
So I decided to come up with things ive learnt about myself before i leave my teenage years in the past;
Grades aren’t everything your family will still love you!
I never wanted to fail I’m not the smartest of people i’m also very dizzy at times including when I full on tripped over a step and had to grab onto my sister for support (i was dying with laughter).
Stop having social anxiety you have always been dizzy so your always going to embarrass yourself in public no matter what you do! Anyone that knows me personally knows that I freak out at social awkwardness. I literally hate making people wait, or just any awks moment even if I’m just with the person whose doing it. I also get embarrassed so easily so when I trip over or do something stupid in public i go very red. I think it’s finally time to accept I’m always going to embarrass myself and just embrace it!
Stop thinking the worlds against you I always think that I’m so unlucky. In some respects I probably am, but so is everyone else in the world. Its time to accept that things may not go my way 90% of the time so embrace that damnnnn 10% that do!
These are my 3 major hang ups throughout the majority of my later teenage years. I think now that I’m turning 20 im entering a new chapter the slate is wiped clean and it’s time to make new memories and have more incredible adventures. I’m not one to make plans partly because I’m crap at sticking to them, but also out of fear that I will never achieve them. So rather than create some mad bucket list I have come up with a few things i would like to do in the next 10 years (giving myself a long period of time so failure will not be an option);
Run the London Marathon – Me and my sister have promised ourselves we will do this one day. I think it would be such a personal achievement and hey I’m getting a Fitbit for my birthday maybe this whole fitness things is finally working side note I never thought i would be one of those fitness people I feel like ive went over to the dark side..
Go to more concerts – I absolutely love music if only I could sing, but yeah i literally go everywhere with my earphones in. Can i still do that at 20 or is that immature? (joke) I’ll still be doing it when im 80! So yeah, i need to go to more festivals and concerts aswell as find friends that do actually like the same music as me…
Travel – I’ve always said I want to do this. I always felt like I need to find a loyal friend which turns out are hard to come by to do this. I’ve realised now that i can do this alone what’s stopping me? i’ve been in Education for so long its time to go on the road!
Go to NEW YORK CITY (again) – When I was 15 I went to NYC for 5 days with my School. I still to this day in my very short experience of traveling have never found a place so incredible. I must go again because 5 days wasn’t enough to see the city, i also want to visit other places in America. I can still remember looking up at the buildings in Times Square and being so mesmerized by the experience. (Any Americans out their I’m very jealous of you).
So now I’ve written it down I guess I have to go and achieve these things. In the mean time I plan to drink large amounts of alcohol and enjoy life with family and friends while I spend my last few days getting away with stuff because that’s what teenage rebels do don’t they?
Todays quote of the day;
Today’s positive of the day; I’ve finally sent out CV’s to look for a new job. Turns out binge watching tv for 4 days isn’t really appropriate when you’re turning 20…