I’m someone who hates starting something new. Not just oh I’m a bit nervous, the thought literally terrifies me. If its possible for me not to do something i will happily not do it just for the pure fact i don’t like being alone with strangers, i don’t like having to talk to new people and i don’t like going to new places i don’t know alone. God knows how i survived two years away at Uni oh yeah i didn’t i came home.
So anyway recently I’ve had so much new stuff happen to me. Trust me my anxiety levels went through the damn roof! But with a lot of nervous deep thinking and a little complaining i have survived all 3 new tasks successfully. So i thought i would share my 3 new things and how i survived my first day as the shy, awkward and slightly terrified person that i am..
A New Class – So my doctor referred me to physiotherapist and after my initial appointment the physio-woman said I had to join this 4 week class to strengthen my knee. My first thought bloody brilliant now I have too go join a class with a bunch of old people, but i went.
My way of surviving a new class was to get their early as I didn’t have a clue where i was going. I was their first typical me not wanting to be late. Eventually someone else came along and sat next to me. I made it through the class which wasnt actually that bad and am now going onto week 3.
A New Job – Starting a new job I was absolutely dreading it. Firstly because it was in a coffee shop which i had no bloody clue about and secondly i didn’t have a uniform so i constantly worried someone would say “oi staff only”
Once again i ensured i got their early i did as i was told to do and signed in went over to the coffee shop. Now on week 4 i can make all the coffee’s and have actually settled in quite well…
A New Uni – So after so much stress with transferring back to my home university. Today i had my very first day, knowing that yo couldnt park on campus i decided to walk (one social anxiety was enough for today let alone parking). I actually prepared my uni bag last night, after checking multiple times where my first lecture was at 9:30 this morning I cant still remember now (room 101) i checked so many times haha. I stood outside awkwardly being the first one their againnnnn the lecturer came before anyone else did. The lecture was actually alright. I will admit i walked to the Town and did a Cady Heron from Mean Girls and sat alone. Before you ask no i did not sit on the loo i sat on a bench. Other than that today actually went well
Having new things starting for someone like me is stressful as i get more worked up before starting that i try to talk myself out of it. However after conquering 3 new things recently my anxiety may finally be improving. I’ll probably still always be awkward though, but god loves a trier lol.
Sometimes I look at life and think this is not where I am meant to be, this isn’t how I planned my life to turn out. Then I stop and thought…
Whose life ever really turns out the way they expected it?!
We live our life according to plans I planned to go to a Sixth Form in another town because it turned out I was smarter than I thought. Turns out I couldn’t stand the place or the people. I planned to spend University away from home now in my final year I’m about to finish my degree at home.
Along they way I made choices about friendships, relationships and life in general and these have lead me to be exactly where I am right now.
I fear that things will never go to plan this scares me because people have expectations and although I avoid seeking people approval it’s nice to have it anyway especially from family.
I’ve finally realised life isn’t about waiting for things to go your way because in hindsight it never bloody will!
Recently I’ve realised I was settling. Settling in life, settling with friends, settling with my future. After going through a rough patch I got back to what i felt was my ‘normal’ stage which on reflection wasn’t really normal it was just what I was used to. The only way i can describe it is when someone ask’s you “are you alright or how are you today?” my response was always “I’m okay”. I think i was so used to going through rough patches that when i had hit my ‘normal’ stage i would always say I’m okay. WELL in the last month I have discovered something…
LIFE SHOULD BE MORE THAN OKAY. At the moment i have a lost of positives, i had a temporary summer job, i now have a job for when I’m back at Uni. I am starting a new Uni soon and already starting my dissertation to be prepared for my final year. Side note: any tips on dissertations greatly appreciated it took my 3 hours to decide the aim of my dissertation (SEND HELP). For once i feel like i have something to say about my life when people ask me how i’m doing? or what have I been up to? Before i used to say “oh you know not much” i actually dreaded someone asking me what had I been up to for the fear that i would have to hold a conversation about nothing. Partly because i was unhappy with my life and who wants to talk about their life when they are unhappy?
Right now i would say things are positive I am so much happier! I really do wish i could put this feeling in a bottle and give it to someone who needs it. For the last year i didn’t know what being happy was. When i think about my life only a few things have changed, but these few things have changed me so much that I’m actually enjoying where i am right now. For once i’m making plans, plans about my future, i’m finally gonna save up and have the guts to go travelling after I finish university and then who knows, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve realised it doesn’t matter what i do as long as i’m happy which i can honestly say I am.
Today’s quote of the day;
Today’s lyrics of the day;
“And I’ll rise up, High like the waves I’ll rise up in spite of the ache, I’ll rise up And I’ll do it a thousands times again” ~ Andra Day – Rise Up