It’s Okay Just To Be Okay

So I actually started a blog post about how I’ve been feeling like I’m never good enough and nothing good is going to happen. I even put the words I’m not crazy or anything (I think I was trying to convince myself). I let myself be negative for a good 2 hours. Being home alone a lot recently whilst trying to find a job for the summer has made me feel even more depressed. But then I decided not too post it…

I think just saying how I feel even to myself has made me realise that it’s okay not to be okay with where my life is right now. It’s also okay not to have everything figured out. Although I receive criticism for my failures, aswell as my choices to cut people out of my life who have betrayed me. It’s okay to have nothing, but myself right now. As long as it’s for right now and not forever.

Tonight I’m seeing my Dad who usually has something to criticise about all my failings in life, which ends up leaving a very awkward silence with 5 of us sitting round a table (you can imagine).

Tomorrow I’ll figure out my next step. I know I’m not happy I thought moving back home to finish uni would answer all my problems (apparently not), but that’s okay because I’m not living life for anyone else, but me. As long as I find the right path for me right now it’s okay just to be okay. 

Today’s quote of the day;


Today’s positive of the day;

Acknowledging the fact I am really unhappy and making a plan to change it.

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Life Before Turning 20

So next week I turn 20! I will no longer be a teenager its crazy! I feel like I could just be starting School for the first time rather than looking for job’s and heading into my final year of University. I feel like ive always been mature (except with a drink in my hand), and i’ve learnt so much about myself. Particularly in the last few years i think ive had to face a lot and overcome so much. Sometimes I did honestly think it was the end of the world whenever I face a failure or things didn’t go the way I  wanted them too. Looking back now i realise that all these things make me who i am. Would I be the same person if i quit uni 7 months ago? Would I be happy with where I am now when I decided to go to University 2 years ago. I don’t think i ever realised how my life would turn out, but im finally okay with that. I’ve realised you can plan all you want, but no matter  what life is always going to have other plans.

So I decided to come up with things ive learnt about myself before i leave my teenage years in the past;

  1. Grades aren’t everything your family will still love you!
    I never wanted to fail I’m not the smartest of people i’m also very dizzy at times including when I full on tripped over a step and had to grab onto my sister for support (i was dying with laughter).
  2.  Stop having social anxiety you have always been dizzy so your always going to embarrass yourself in public no matter what you do!
    Anyone that knows me personally knows that I freak out at social awkwardness. I literally hate making people wait, or just any awks moment even if I’m just with the person whose doing it. I also get embarrassed so easily so when I trip over or do something stupid in public i go very red. I think it’s finally time to accept I’m always going to embarrass myself and just embrace it!
  3. Stop thinking the worlds against you
    I always think that I’m so unlucky. In some respects I probably am, but so is everyone else in the world. Its time to accept that things may not go my way 90% of the time so embrace that damnnnn 10% that do!

These are my 3 major hang ups throughout the majority of my later teenage years. I think now that I’m turning 20 im entering a new chapter the slate is wiped clean and it’s time to make new memories and have more incredible adventures. I’m not one to make plans partly because I’m crap at sticking to them, but also out of fear that I will never achieve them. So rather than create some mad bucket list I have come up with a few things i would like to do in the next 10 years (giving myself a long period of time so failure will not be an option);

  • Run the London Marathon – Me and my sister have promised ourselves  we will do this one day. I think it would be such a personal achievement and hey I’m getting a Fitbit for my birthday maybe this whole fitness things is finally working side note I never thought i would be one of those fitness people I feel like ive went over to the dark side..
  • Go to more concerts – I absolutely love music if only I could sing, but yeah i literally go everywhere with my earphones in. Can i still do that at 20 or is that immature? (joke) I’ll still be doing it when im 80! So yeah, i need to go to more festivals and concerts aswell as find friends that do actually like the same music as me…
  • Travel – I’ve always said I want to do this. I always felt like I need to find a loyal friend which turns out are hard to come by to do this. I’ve realised now that i can do this alone what’s stopping me? i’ve been in Education for so long its time to go on the road!
  • Go to NEW YORK CITY (again) – When I was 15 I went to NYC for 5 days with my School. I still to this day in my very short experience of traveling have never found a place so incredible. I must go again because 5 days wasn’t enough to see the city, i also want to visit other places in America. I can still remember looking up at the buildings in Times Square and being so mesmerized by the experience. (Any Americans out their I’m very jealous of you).

So now I’ve written it down I guess I have to go and achieve these things. In the mean time I plan to drink large amounts of alcohol and enjoy life with family and friends while I spend my last few days getting away with stuff because that’s what teenage rebels do don’t they?

Todays quote of the day;

Today’s positive of the day;
I’ve finally sent out CV’s to look for a new job. Turns out binge watching tv for 4 days isn’t really appropriate when you’re turning 20…

 

Nothing Matters Except Right Now

So it’s been a while! Recently I’ve been feeling very anxious about my future, what i plan on doing with my life, whats going to happen. I know what i don’t want to be doing, but have no clue what i do want to do. I have also thought a lot about choices I’ve made in the past. I then went on holiday and sitting in the sun drinking plenty of cocktails made me realise. Nothing matters except right now..

I worry so much about people’s opinions of me, about the choices I make and about how they will affect other people. When in reality I should be living for me and only making choices that are going to benefit me because in the end its my life and living for other people I have realised will just make me miserable. No matter what we do in life someone is always going too have an opinion. Sometimes I just feel like I do things to please other people who don’t actually care about my welfare on a daily basis and only acknowledge me when I’m making a big choice that they don’t like.

From now on I’m going to follow these 3 steps when it comes too people’s opinion on my life and my decisions;

  1. Listen to what they say. 
    Obvs as annoying as it can be some people you can’t exactly say talk to the hand. So just listen politely whilst thinking about how you’re going to get the hell out of there!

    2. Accept what they have just said
    Say “thank you” or “oh I couldn’t agree more” make them think that now they have had an opinion on your life that you truly value it and that you totally agree

    3. Forget the shit they just said and walk away!!!

    This needs no explanation

From now on I’m going to follow these 3 steps as I know getting worked up and worrying hasn’t helped so why not try forget what people say and carry on living my life they way I want to even if it is sometimes crazy and disastrous it’s still my life at the end of the day.

Today’s quote of the day;

Photo credit – Instagram ~ Typographic

Clearly going on holiday has bought out my inner zen, but yeah I still love this quote

Today’s positive of the day;

I finally started printing out CV’s to look for a job. Any tips on job hunting for a person that’s been a bum and lived off student finance for a while would be grateful!

Sometimes You Just Have To Smile

So here I am in the car on the way back from uni for the last time. 7 months ago I was crying and didn’t want to continue with second year i thought how can I continue? Now I’ve finished second year, living life with so many unknowns although I plan to finish my degree at home next year I have no idea where my life is going to take me. For me this is a good thing as it gives me a moment to breathe and just smile which is something I don’t feel I have done in a very long time. My heads been clouded with so much confusion and unhappiness that I forgot life is something to be treasured…

I know I’m a dizzy person and get embarrassed easily. So yesterday after getting off the train to prepare for my final exam today a few things had to occur;

1. I decided to walk home from the station. The person in front of me was walking so slow so I decided to power walk to overtake him. As I overtook him I stacked it and nearly fell. I awkwardly smiled to myself and power walked even faster (only me)

2. We ordered takeaway last night. I just got out of the shower and I’m not joking I thought can you imagine if I have to answer the door with my makeup round my face. I’m not joking 2 minutes later the door went and I said and I quote “excuse the face” (how humiliating?!)

Now sitting in the car I’m laughing about it. I feel like i have been so serious and so unhappy that having clarity in the simple things in life is exactly what I need’

Sometimes it’s okay to just smile life shouldn’t be this hard I’ve realised and now I have a weight lifted I can enjoy the little things that aren’t really little things, but the big things that make life worth living with a smile.

Today’s quote of the day;


Today’s positive of the day;

I’m on my way home for the last time with so many unknowns, but so much excitement and clarity!