Wow it’s been a minute. And when I say a minute I mean 2 months.
Life has been pretty shit let’s be real. Like I thought I had low points before, but no this one took the icing on the cake. I went through a tough time and just couldn’t shake the emptiness feeling. So when I finally said I’m not okay I had a breakthrough and realised after some time I’m going to be okay
Now I have good days and bad days, but I cope. I make sure I do the things I like. I’ve also got stuck in my ways a little bit and this hasn’t helped. So now I am putting myself out there more. I’m attending a new gym class alone tomorrow- wish me luck. I’m going to learn how to play the guitar yessss. I figure why not do something new you know?
Don’t get me wrong I know I’m not completely fine! But I also know this is okay I’ll will get through this and the best is yet to come. Who knows maybe I will upload a bit more 😂🤦🏽♀️
So it’s been a while. Life was alright a solid 7/10 gym pretty much everyday life was going smoothly. Then bam it all went down hill and I didn’t even see it coming. Family illness changes you. I didn’t think it would I didn’t think I would ever be part of a family that had to go through it. We are all invincible right? I always thought it wouldn’t happen to me not our family we are too small. But life has a way of creeping up on you.
I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks. Some days I’m okay some days I’m not. Somethings you can’t undo. You just carry on. Life is literally a rollercoaster and I’m just trying not to drown in the process. I haven’t got any words of wisdom this time. In the end I just have to carry on. I didn’t think I would write on this blog again. Here I am anyway!
“Every shadow no matter how deep is threatened by morning light”
So it’s been a while. When I say a while I mean I was going to quit this blog altogether, not because my life is perfect or anything like that. TRUST ME that’s not the case. I just didn’t have anything to say, I’m working on me, going to the gym a lot which is great I officially don’t hate the gym. My work colleagues still don’t quite understand that…
Anyway so I’m at an exhibition with my company. Which is great new experience, new manager etc. Then last night I was in my hotel room. And I just started over thinking, my bedroom at home isn’t pitch black so when I turned out the lights and couldn’t see my own hand I was a bit like god this is dark! I shut my eyes and I just started over thinking, what if someone came in, what if someone was in the bathroom. When the lights were on I could see in the bathroom in the mirror now I can’t. I had also turned up the heating in my room so room temp was about 24 degrees as it was on 18.5 and I was freezing.
So premise set. I was trying to get to sleep for about an hour. And then I woke up. I literally felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was trying to breathe in and out of my nose. It felt like I was burning or their was hidden gas. I turned on the light my heart was racing. I actually felt the door of my hotel room to check if it was hot, which sounds crazy now but I genuinely was panicking. I also ran I got to the bathroom, and threw water on my face. I kept trying to breathe my heart was up to 80/90bpm according to my Fitbit. I laid back down and then felt like I couldn’t sleep in the dark so I turned on the little light, then I could see the bathroom door by the mirror so I had to shut that up. I then kept waking up every hour and at 6 in the morning I gave up trying to get back to sleep.
Yeah when I say my life is in no way perfect I meant it. I mean I don’t think it was a panic attack as I’m not a person that has experienced anything like this before. But yeah I was for sure panicking the whole situation really scared me. I’m not even sure what bought it on, but I know I never want to experience it again that’s for sure.
Lesson taken from this don’t leave all the lights off and don’t overthink in a strange hotel rooms. I’m sure I’ll be okay, but I know now that although things can seem okay it’s still important to take time for yourself and know that life can always stop you whatever path you’re on. Currently at an exhibition as I write this no one has came to our stand in a while and I’ve given up putting on my fake smile… peace and love as always ✌🏽
So 9 days into the New Year. Well where did that go. I feel like I have just been floating through this year already. It’s hard to explain, but the only way I can describe is that I’m just present but nothing is really happening except it is. You get it? Nope neither do I.
Anyway sticking to the path. I am not putting a label on it except I kind of am. Dry January. Giving up alcohol for the whole month. I’m doing it..well I say I’m not calling it that for fear I might quit but in theory I’m doing it! 9 days in, I’ve been to the gym twice this week and went out to a social event and didn’t drink. Who am I?! Will I be a changed person? Who knows.
However, it’s feels good. Sticking something out. Usually i give up at the first hurdle and opt for the YOLO approach which in hindsight is pretty pathetic, but always seems un-regrettable at the time. This time though. Things are different! I’m still going. I have been designated driver in order to stop myself even being tempted. Sometimes motivation can actually get you through something no matter how much peer pressure or doubt you get from family and friend. Anyway I’ll let you know how I get on I. I bought our house an anti-affirmation calendar it gives me a laugh one day at a time 😂 have a good day! 🤙🏽
Wow 2018 I’m glad that shit show is over. This last year hasn’t exactly been one for the books. But 2019. I’m not going into this positive, optimistic or praying to make it the best. I vow to take this year on no matter what comes my way. Things will happen. Life will be tough. But it’s how we react that is the true test.
This year I plan to make changes for my future and not be stuck living in the present wishing my life away. So even after a messy new year eve. Which has actually made me want to go T – Total. Honestly I’ve downloaded the dry January app it’s that serious. I need to take my health more seriously. So 2019 without now expectation or hesitation let’s do this.
So this year has been A YEAR
These last few weeks have been hella bad. Me and my family are literally waiting for 2019. It’s been hard to be in the Christmas spirit this last week. With family in hospital and work drama I’m done. Thank God I have now finished work.
Friday night I thought okay let’s get in the Christmas spirit so we went to the pub. So British it hurts. I drunk all the Christmas alcohol which was a lot of mixing. Then went out… next morning safe to say I had my head down the loo. But hurray finally in the Christmas spirit.
I have realised no matter how hard life gets as long as I have family, life will literally be okay. Even at the worst of times we have each other. So as I finally try to get into this Christmas spirit I am now watching the holiday drinking wine. Hoping the last few days of December will be okay. I hope your Christmas is less eventful than mine! Bless my mum she has still tried to re-create the elf on the shelf which I didn’t know was a legit think until this year!
Today I went to the gym it’s a SATURDAY. I went out, and had a mild joke that people already had their Christmas decorations up even though it’s only the 1st. I’m happy.
Three years ago today Facebook decided to do one of those memory things. This is literally the post I put up.
I had been on a night out. Lost my ID, my Uni Card and my purse. Blacked out. And woke up to their being a gas leak down our street. I had been living at my Uni home for about 3 months a couple of days after this post I went home after feeling so ill and depressed and planned to quit Uni.
Today when that post came up it literally made me feel a little sad inside. That time in my life I felt so lost. Although I can still have days were I question am I doing the right thing. Is this really what I want. I don’t panic. I just know it will all work out in the end.
I went to the gym after I saw this and just let it go. But when I think back I’m just literally astounded I felt so low. Like I just didn’t feel my life will improve. This year has been such a testing last few months from September until now. I have received a lot of bad news. My old self would quit, give up and just eat the chocolate bar. Although I still eat the same chocolate bar now and again I go to the gym regularly, I take a breath and know that I am only given what I can handle in this life. Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but how we handle things can be. ✌🏽